Setting BoundariesNEW YORK CITYVOICES: November/December 1999
Return to: NYC Voices Home - 11/99 Voices - Siblings
By Amy C. White
As the leader of the Adult Children & Sibling Support Group at the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill since 1994, I have had the honor of hearing literally hundreds of siblings share how having a mentally ill sibling has effected their lives.
Setting boundaries is difficult for everyone, but may be especially difficult for a person with a mentally ill sibling. Difficulty setting boundaries often result from some erroneous assumptions.
First, people may assume that everyone's experience with a mentally ill family member is the same and therefore if no one else is setting boundaries, it would be selfish to set them for oneself. A second common assumption is that no one "should be" effected by the mental illness except the ill person. This second assumption is generally based on feelings of shame to have any personal issues related to the mental illness. The thought process goes something like this "What right do I have to be upset, when it is my sister/brother who will never work again, have a family, lead a normal life?" This personal shame or "survivor's guilt" is reinforced by parents who are overwhelmed with the needs of the ill sibling and simply do not have the energy or the courage to deal with the well sibling's feelings. If parents have not dealt with their own complicated feelings, they will certainly not be able to deal with the well sibling's feelings. This does not mean, however, that the well sibling should join in the "denial" of their own feelings.
Siblings experiences are unique and differ greatly from other siblings depending on a number of factors, including the sibling's closeness prior to the onset of the illness, the birth order of the siblings, the ill sibling's compliance with treatment and perhaps most importantly, the parent's education about mental illness, courage to explore their own feelings and the parent's treatment of the well sibling.
Living our own life and finding joy in our lives, despite the illness of people we love, is our responsibility as human beings. That means setting boundaries. I do not believe God put us on earth to live someone else's life. But, there is so much guilt for being healthy and so much activity that goes into trying to heal or save the mentally ill person that we often "forget" to have our own lives. The following are some of the things I tell the members of my groups repeatedly, because they seem to touch on issues we often ignore:
Boundary issues often become too painful to ignore when well siblings confront their fear about what will happen when their parents become elderly or die. There is a question of what their responsibilities to their sibling will be. Total care of the mentally ill sibling at their own home without financial resources seems to be the scenario that causes the most panic. Often our group discussions explore how to handle fears of this type by broaching open, frank discussions with living parents about financial resources and expectations. Exploring ones feelings, open communication about those feelings with safe people and planning seem to make what truly is a life long challenge manageable. Ultimately, these steps lead to clear boundaries for oneself that allows the relationship with the ill person to resume a place in one's life, but not to take over one's entire life or prevent one from ever planning their own life because they have to always be "on-call" for the next crisis.
- Have a Great Life Anyway. Everyone has "something." This is a lifelong challenge, so do not live in "crises" mode.
- Take Your Hand Off of the Burner. Healthy people know when to "Let go and let God." We grow up with our hands always on the burner. As we become healthier, we need to stop analyzing the smoke and the pain and asking "Why? Why? Why?" Just take your hand off the burner.
- Seriously ask yourself, "Can I talk about my dreams and goals? Or, do I always go back to focusing on the ill person? What am I avoiding in my own life?" Building our own lives is frustrating. As painful as dealing with someone's illness is, it is sometimes easier than looking at ourselves and planning our own lives.
- Let the Dog Catch the Truck. We cannot prevent bad things from happening to our loved ones even if we watch them twenty-five hours a day. We are not God and we cannot fix other people, especially people who do not want to be fixed.
- Are you "perfectly" depressed? Try being imperfect and average. People often try to deal with their feelings in a controlled, logical way. It is okay to "lose it." Mental illness in your family is a very, very sad thing. Having feelings does not mean YOU are crazy.
- Stop finding new people to take care of. This may be the hardest. We are so used to trying to live other people's lives for them, partly out of compassion, partly out of fear of living our own, that we tend to always find new people to take care of. Stop! The rewards of living one's own life are huge. HUGE.
Amy White leads the Adult Children & Sibling Support Group and the Teen Support Group at NAMI. She recently received the 1999 Volunteer Award at the NAMI-NYC METRO Annual Awards Celebration on October 7, 1999. For additional information about her groups, please call the NAMI office at (212) 684-3365.
Return to: NYC Voices Home - 11/99 Voices - Siblings